


Tell Me a Poem

by Skyline (skybs)



Series: Papermoon [1]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-03-16
Updated: 1998-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skybs/pseuds/Skyline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Blair have to let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me a Poem

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, it took me a while to write this piece (although it isn't that long) because I had to stop every time after a few sentences to cheer me up, or otherwise I would have ended as a depressed bundle. Not really a wonderful sight ;-). This story is for Liriel and her begging for something to read. And yes, I'm already writing the sequel. This piece is also for Strange Music with the friendly question, "Where's my *special scene*, redhead?" And... I'm happy you're back, Bine! - I just can't say that often enough ;-).  
> Thanks to Regina for betareading! And thanks to Chris for her permission to use her poem 'Soul-deep'!

_Tell me a poem, write a love song just for me.  
I will miss you no longer.  
Tell me your story, let me be the key.  
I will be, I will be free.  
Tell me a romance, write a fairy tale for me.  
I will miss you no longer.  
Show me your heaven and baby you will see,  
I will be, I will be free.  
\-- 'Tell Me A Poem' by Papermoon_

Blair sat quietly in the front-passenger seat, looking through the window, memorizing for the last time the streets of Cascade. For more than seven years he had called this town home - the first home he ever had - and it had been the best and worst time of his life. He didn't want to miss anything of it - especially not the man named Jim Ellison.

At the beginning of his and Jim's partnership they were just friends - bonded together as Sentinel and Guide. They did almost everything together but the most important thing was that they trusted each other. Before he had met Jim he had never felt this trust for anyone, not even for his mother. They were best friends, as close as two people could be. And as time went by, he fell in love with his roommate.

First he had denied that his feelings for his *male* friend went beyond friendship. He had started dating more women than in the previous two years, trying to forget his feelings but they grew stronger instead. Then he had tried to hide them from his partner and himself and almost succeeded.

The walls, he had built around his deepest emotion, crashed during Jim's stay at the hospital five years ago.

 

***

 **flashback - five years earlier**

'Damn him!'

The anger rushed through him, washing the worry away at the earlier words of Jim's doctor. She had said that the Sentinel had an acute appendicitis and that Jim had almost died during the surgery because he didn't come earlier to the hospital. Acute appendicitis! Why the hell didn't the older man say that he was in pain? Why the hell didn't *he* notice anything?

He pushed the door to Jim's room open. "Damn you!" he growled at the pale man lying in the hospital-bed. "You fucking son of a bitch!"

The Sentinel just looked at him confused - it made Blair even angrier. "You scared me to death! Why didn't you say anything? Oh, wrong question! *You* never tell me just *one* fucking thing - sorry, I forgot!"

"What are you talking about?" The weak voice asked him confused.

"I'm talking about your appendicitis, man, and the way how you decided to kill yourself!"

"I didn't know. I thought it was a simple indigestion and I dialed the pain down."

"You did *what*?" He couldn't believe it. How could someone be so stupid! "You almost *died* and you just thought it was an indigestion and dialed it down. Just great! I almost lost you and *you* *dialed* *it* *down*. Isn't it enough that I worry every time you go after another psycho? Obviously not, because you just DIALED IT DOWN!" he yelled now, tears running down his cheek.

With one hand he rubbed over his face, wiping the tears away, and tried to calm down. 'I am relaxed. I am relaxed. I am relaxed. I am relaxed.' Somehow it didn't work!

'Doesn't he know that I love him?' he thought, realizing too late that he had said the words loud when he saw the surprised look on Jim's face. "I'm sorry, Jim," he whispered shocked. "I never meant to tell you. I... I think it's best if I leave now. I'm sorry."

He was halfway to the door when he heard Jim's weak, low voice.

"I love you, too." Unbelieving, he turned around, seeing a wonderful smile spreading over Jim's mouth. "C'mere, baby, I love you, too."

 

 **end flashback**

***

He hadn't noticed that the car had stopped. After getting out, he followed Jim, who carried his luggage, into the departure lounge of the airport.

The first year as a couple was like a wonderful, never-ending dream. They were like teenagers - silly, mushy, sappy, and never taking their hands off each other. Nothing and no-one had been able to keep them apart - not even the various harassments had brought doubt to their new found love. But slowly real life caught up with them - their life and love became ... *normal*.

It didn't happen fast or obviously. It happened slow, unnoticed but controlled, like water digging its way with steady force through rocks. He never saw it coming until it was too late. Long forgotten were their loving glances at each other during work. Long forgotten, their spontaneity. They were living side by side but no longer *with* each other.

He didn't know when they had made love the last time - for too long it had been just sex. Not that the sex with Jim wasn't good, it was more than incredible actually, but sometimes that wasn't enough. He missed being held by Jim's strong arms, he missed the gentle stroking of his back, and he missed the soft whispered 'I love you' before he fell asleep.

It was all too clear to him that their relationship had changed during the past seven years - from friends to lovers and then to fuck-buddies. Fuck-buddies - it was all they had left and soon even that would change.

 

***

 **flashback - six weeks earlier**

Blair knocked on the door to Dr. Ash's office and opened it after he had heard the soft "Come in."

"You wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes, Dr. Sandburg. Please sit down," the older, gray-haired woman said without raising her head. She wrote a few things in her dayplanner and then put the pencil on the desk, folding her hands. She looked straight into his eyes.

"Dr. Sandburg, as you may know, I'm planning a field study in China. In the fringe area to Mongolia, near the town Mingshui, to be exact." He nodded and Dr. Ash continued, "Unfortunately, Dr. McGuire can't come with me, therefore I'm looking for a young, enthusiastic anthropologist for my team. What do you think, would you like to go to China for at least two years?"

He looked at her surprised and stunned. "I..." he started but was interrupted by Dr. Ash.

"Don't answer me now, Doctor. Take a few days, think everything through and *then* give me your answer."

 

 **end flashback**

***

He sat in a seat next to Jim and watched the people with their families around him. It was crowded, like every airport, and he wondered for a second if Jim had his hearing dialed down.

He had accepted Dr. Ash's offer. It hadn't been an easy choice, yet, it hadn't been as hard as he had thought. He would miss Jim - his lover, his life for seven years - that for sure, but he certainly wouldn't miss what they had become. The essence, the burning flame of their love had died.

Everything had to end, eventually. He knew that, still, he had hoped that the most important relationship he ever had would last for eternity. And for a very short time he had believed it. Now, everything was over - too soon.

During the last few months he had asked himself about a thousand times what he could have done differently but he had no answer. And in the few minutes he had left before he would enter the plane there was no chance of getting the answer. Besides, it wouldn't change anything - not this time.

He still loved Jim and he was sure that Jim loved him too, but that wasn't enough anymore - not for him and not for Jim. They had to let each other go before the damage would be too great. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be easy starting a new life. They had been too close to just go on with their lives like nothing had happened. Just ignoring their history OR their pain OR the situation was not going to work.

He sighed, it wouldn't be easy indeed.

One last hug. One last kiss. Two I'll miss you's. And he left, not seeing the teardrop which was running down Jim's cheek, crying for their lost love.

 

***

 **flashback - four weeks earlier**

"Jim?"

"Mmm" answered the older man, without looking up from his newspaper.

"I accepted an offer for a field study in China."

"What? For how long?" Jim raised his head, sounding somehow shocked.

"At least two years," Blair whispered, closing his eyes. He heard the sharp intake of air and then the strained voice of his lover. "Why? What about us? What about my senses?"

He opened his eyes, looking deep into the blue eyes Jim's, who was sitting on the couch. "You know, as well as I do, that there isn't an *us* any longer. Since I got my doctorate, and a while before that, you work at the station and I work at the university, you're going out with the guys from the PD and I'm going out with the guys at the U. We don't do anything together - not camping, not anything."

"If that's what's bothering you then I'll talk to Simon, tell him that I need a week off, and then..."

"No!" he interrupted his lover, "it's too late, and you know it. And your senses - you don't need me as your Guide anymore. You hadn't had a zone-out in years and you have got more control than ever." He paused to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Jim, but I need to be free."

 

 **end flashback**

***

Blair sat in the plane, tears dropping on the single sheet of paper, he had found in his backpack.

 _Blair,_

  
 _Soul-deep  
I look and see the pain  
deep inside your heart  
Soul-deep  
the hurt and the scars  
the knowledge of what had been  
the wisdom to see the truth  
Soul-deep  
your love and caring for me  
in the depths of your eyes  
Soul-deep  
the bond between us  
I cry the tears you cannot shed  
Soul-deep  
your look and your smile  
melting my heart _   



_Love, Jim_

End.


End file.
